"Be kind to animals, everybody. They're reincarnated relatives.". 50 billion flies can't be all wrong, so let's eat shit. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces every time. After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat. All I ask is PROOF money won't make me happy. All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. America, land of opportunity for Japanese businessmen. Americans call it fast food, because it speeds them to the grave. Artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Calculus and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Crime doesn't pay--unless you do it well. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse. Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Don't get mad. Get even! Don't judge a book by its movie. Don't let school interfere with a good education. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Fat people are harder to kidnap. Forgive and remember. Given a conflict, Murphy's law supersedes Newton's. Global warming: What the hell I got airco. Gravity always wins. Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? He who laughs last thinks slowest! How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police does? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? I don't believe in miracles--I rely on them. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If it's really tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the universe is really expanding, why can't I find a parking space? If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Is life trying to pass me by or run me over? Keep things the way they are...vote for the sado-masochist party! Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you. Most accidents happen within 25 miles of home. Time to move. Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it. Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be. One good turn gets most of the blankets. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Save the plankton--kill the whale! Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written. The future begins tomorrow. The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train. The older I get, the better I used to be. The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink. The trouble with political jokes is they get elected. There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives. They say act your age, but when you do they get mad. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. What's another word for thesaurus? When all else fails, follow instructions. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Yeah, but what's the speed of DARK? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?