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!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE. "A terrible thing happened to me last night--nothing.". (((((YOU)))))(((((ARE)))))(((((FEELING)))))(((((SLEEPY))))). ...and this little piggy stayed home. He's agoraphobic. ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error... 1st Law of Lab Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! 43% of all statistics are useless. 93.57% of all statistics are made up. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Alcoholism isn't a disease; it's a goal. All generalizations are false. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power. All things being equal, you lose. All this beer and only one mouth. All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. American kids have Nintendo; Japanese children have homework. And now, a word from Wall Street: "HELP!". Another day, another shaving accident. Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit. As long as there are tests: There will be prayer in school. Ask them to list all 54 flavours, then order vanilla. Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it. Bad cop! No donut! Be natural Go naked. Be naughty--save Santa the trip! British Airways: Breakfast in London, Lunch in NY, Luggage in Bermuda. But my little voice TOLD me to do it! Car phone answering machine: "Hi, I'm home right now...". Children eat spinach so they'll grow up strong enough to refuse it. Chirpes: A canarial disease, no tweetment. Committing suicide in Toronto is redundant. Correct me if I'm wrong, everybody else does. Deadlines amuse me. Death to all fanatics! Department of Redundancy Department. Did I make myself clear? Good, now tell me what I said. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns? Does this bug you? Does this bug you? Does this bug you? Don't ask me--I was hired for my looks. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. Don't vote. It only encourages them. Drink your coffee! There are poor people in India sleeping! Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. Due to lack of interest, tomorrow will be canceled. Elvis is dead and I'm not doing so great myself. Empty the prisons. Make room for congress. Even if you're paranoid, maybe they are really after you. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Excuse me, is this a private fight or can anyone join in? Explain counter-clockwise to somebody with a digital watch. Fight crime. Shoot back. Five out of four people have problems with fractions. Foolproof implies a finite number of fools. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. Four out of five people think the fifth person is an idiot. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Guns don't kill people. I do. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances? Have a nice day...unless you have other plans. Have you ever been to a zoo--I mean, as a visitor? Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply. Hoe sterk wordt je van anale stereoboliden! How to beat stress: Make up a language and ask people for directions. Humor. Never leave home without it. I am lost but I am making record time. I am on a seafood diet, everytime I see food I eat it. I brake for hallucinations. I came. I saw. I went back into the house. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... I can't understand why it's still raining; the weekend is over. I don't cheat--I play by the extended rules. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I fight poverty I work. I gave up drinking, smoking and sex. Worst 15 minutes of my life. I have a collect call from reality, will you accept the...[click]. I have an exceptionally high Q.I. I is a college student. I love my attitude problem. I owe my first born child to Visa. I played poker with a tarot a royal flush...5 people died. I think, therefore I am overqualified. I thought about being born again, but Mom refused. I tried drowning my sorrows--then the suckers learned how to swim! I used to be sane, but now I'm better. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. I'd prefer the non-smoking lifeboat, please. I'm leaving my body to science fiction. I'm not a complete idiot--several parts are missing. I'm not arrogant, I'm RIGHT! I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I'm not crazy! I've just been in a very weird mood for 18 years. I'm not paranoid! That's a rumor spread by my enemies... I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry about the other 3%? If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If at first you don't succeed, change the rules! If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. If life is but a dream kindly wake me up. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If you can read this Thank a teacher. If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there. If you can't enjoy yourself, enjoy somebody else. If you can't say something nice, say something surreal. Instant human: Just add coffee! IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! Is there a lawyer in the house? Yes? !!BANG!! Okay, any more? It could be worse...[BOOOM]'s worse. It stopped moving! Cook it! It's a bad day when: The fortuneteller refunds your money. It's a bad day when: Your Mom approves of your date. It's a dirty job, but somebody else has gotta do it! Just when I hit bottom, someone hands me a shovel. Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA. Latest conspiracy theory: Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder. Laugh now, but one day we'll rule the world! Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice. Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Monday is the root of all evil. Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for. Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye. Mother Nature is a bitch. My IQ test came back negative. My kid beat up your honor student. My last original thought died of loneliness. No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Of all the people I've met, you are certainly one. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Old heroes never die; they reappear in sequels. Only the good die young. I'll be here forever. Only the good die young. Note the average age in Congress. Polly doesn't want a damn cracker. Polly wants a beer. Professionals are predictable - amateurs are DANGEROUS! Psychic Convention canceled--unforeseen problems. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Purranoia: the fear that your cats are up to something! REALITY CHECK [pinch] -- Ouch! REALITY CONFIRMED. Saint Fracas (456? - 458) had a short but raucous childhood. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. She didn't hate men, she just wished they were all dead. Since things get better with age I am approaching magnificent. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill. Some people are has-beens. You're a never-was. Stop the world! I want to get off! Stupidity is *NOT* a handicap, park ELSEWHERE! Sure, drinking kills brain cells...but only the weak ones! The beatings will continue until morale improves. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. The only positive thing about pain: It proves you're alive. The red blindfold would be lovely, Excellency. The refrigerator light DOES go out. Now let me out of here. The second most thrilling thing - flying. The first - landing. The worst thing about censorship is XXXXXXXXXXXX. There are 3 kinds of people--those who can count and those who can't. There are two times I feel stress--day and night. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. There is only one perfect child in this world and every mother has it. There's a brain in my tumour! This place was built from chaos into a shining example of disorder. Three can keep a secret, if two are dead. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Today's been one heck of a week! Tractor pulls: for people who can't understand wrestling. Trekkies with girlfriends--on the next Geraldo. Vacuuming Sucks. Veni, Vidi, Visa--I came, I saw, I bought it. We all have opinions. Mine are the correct ones. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Welcome to the Earth, third rock from the Sun. Went to the boxing match last night. A soccer match broke out. What do you mean, my birth certificate is expired? What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What, is Darth Vader YOUR father, too? When all else fails manipulate the data. When there's a will, I want to be in it. Who needs Santa I've got Grandma. Why be difficult. Be impossible. Winning isn't the most important thing. It's the ONLY thing. Work is for people who do not know how to fish. You and me against the world? Great! When do we attack? You! Out of the gene pool! Your Honor, I wish to plead permanent insanity.


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